Recently, the yoga studio sent the teachers an email asking us to respond to some questions about our journey through the first year of the coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic. The request was to write a few sentences, answering one or all of the following questions
- What have you learned over the past year?
- How has your practice changed, on or off the mat?
- How have you learned to care for yourself and/or others in ways you haven’t before?
My responses to the three questions was somewhat tarnished with negativity as I was navigating some new territory in my grieving process coupled with a few unfortunate events. [I’m being intentionally vague; this is not the place for that stuff]. The studio owner decided to go with my response to Question #1.
Although I have lived my life trying to put on a happy face for others to see, I didn’t think that I could capture a realistic smile for the post in real time. So, I pulled stills from the class recording of the final session with my Intro to Mysore students that ran in January to accompany the IG post. I was on a high that day – feeling the joy of sharing the practice I have grown to love with 7 beautiful souls. It showed on my face.
The fact that many of our members are going through a lot of struggles right now, it was decided that my response to Question #3 may have been a bit too honest for the BTY IG. Still, I wonder if comfort could be found in knowing that, although I show up wearing my best “happy face”, I too am struggling.
“There are days when I wake up and no amount of coffee or makeup can mask the loneliness and pain that sometimes overwhelms me. I tell myself that I’m not the only one feeling this way and just show up as is. As a result, I help myself by showing up for others.”
I wrote those words, yet was hesitant to do my part and “show up” for this morning’s mysore practice. I rolled out my mat and began my practice offline with only Kobe, my slumbering puppy, in sight and classical music softly playing. The practice wasn’t any easier. But when I met up with kapotasana, the tears had already begun to surface and I had no reason to bury them. I acknowledged the painful emotions and asked [my] God if he/she would keep me safe if I were to shed my armor and allow my heart to open more fully. The tears fell as if to the music: gently, with ebbs and flows all the way through kapotasana and supta vajrasana. Then, Kobe did something cute as I did my bakasana. And I laughed out loud. This short bit of laughter was enough to signal my readiness to show up for my community. So, I joined the mysore zoom.
You see, although for the past year, I have made a point to bury my emotions so that I could show up for my community, I am learning that it’s equally important to take some time to care for myself. This seems especially true right now, with all that I am navigating mentally and emotionally. I’m still here for my family and friends, but I need to grab that oxygen mask and breathe in a few slow, deep breaths so that I can think clearly and be wholly present. If you are going through something similar, I recommend the same to you.
“We can’t share with others a resource that we lack ourselves.” – Johnson, W and Humble, A (2020)
Thanks for reading. Now, it’s time to get on my mat. I wish you all a beautiful day.