Living Out Loud

Just over 2 years ago, my yoga teacher sat down beside me on my mat to have a heart-to-heart with me. She is a very intuitive and caring person and saw that I was closing off. The backbends that I had worked so hard to develop where losing their beautiful arch and you could see that I was holding back. She wanted to help me find openness in my heart center, not just in my physical backbends but deep within. As much as I trusted her to hold space for me to do the work, I also knew that the timing just wasn’t right. I was working through a huge heartbreak and felt the need to protect my heart.

In the year that followed, she held space for me to work through it. If I broke down in tears after back bending, she didn’t make a big deal out of it. Because if emotions come up in this practice and our mat is a safe place for us to work through it. Within the Mysore Room of my yoga studio, I felt safe to let the sadness, anger, frustration, and other emotions go right there on my mat, with my fellow practitioners nearby. Meanwhile, my teacher continued her work in the room, helping the students just as before. I appreciated that.

By the time COVID-19 had us all staying within the walls of our homes, an entire year had passed. And although, I thought I’d be on the other side of the loss by then, sheltering-in-place uncovered a different level of pain for me. A pain that showed up on my computer screen in an in-your-face, take-THIS sort of way. At times, I felt as if all the work I had done was a lie; I felt those protective walls thickening and my heart closing off once again.

As the months passed, it was evident that if was to ever be freed from the fortress of protection that I had built around me, I had much more work to do.

Over the next year, I worked though my stuff in varied and new ways. But, it never seemed to be enough.

I began wondering if the walls that held me back were not ones I’d erected but the ones of my own house. Was sheltering the problem?? If it was, I needed to be able to get out more. I reached out to my physician to ask for her to consult immunologists and other specialist about the dangers of someone who’d previously had GBS receiving the various COVID-19 vaccines. The verdict was that the risks outweighed the benefit. Imagining road trips, and other fun adventures, I decided to take the vaccine as a way to free up some of the restrictions in me living a more full life.

Now, it’s time to just let what is be what it is. If it hurts, I’ll cry. If it’s funny, I’ll laugh. I’m done “working” on healing. It’s time to live out side and live out loud again.

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