Modifications: Practice and Perception

Troubled by another health scare, I stepped foot on my mat praying for a little separation from the fear. Being a nurse, I knew the crazy facts of what could be should the CT scan confirm what might be. I could die any minute. Then again, can’t we all?  I certainly know, from personal experience, that life has no guarantees. Life is precious and uncertain. We have no assurance that we will live a long, full life.

So I stepped to the front of my mat, put hands in front of my heart, and said a short prayer for the strength to take what ever news would come of the tests with strength and a positive outlook.

I hadn’t shared the physical findings of my examination, nor my doctor’s suspicions, with many. But I had shared it with my teacher who gave me her support and helped me to modify my practice to accommodate the feared diagnoses — just in case.

On my mat, I practiced cultivating ease and letting go of the notion that those deeps twists, intense backbends, and binds were the only way to find relief from the discomfort in my body. Of course this is always a good practice for me.  Off the mat, I practiced staying in the present moment and finding separation from the worse-case-scenarios.

Initiating pranayama (breathing practices) while watching the IV get inserted into my vein and continuing the practice inside the CT scanner. I was amused when the scanner began cueing me, “Take a deep breath in. Stop your breathing…. Breathe.”

Before I knew it, the procedure was complete and the IV was being removed. I left the hospital exceptionally worn out — probably from a week of worry and deep discussions of what preparations I’ve made for end-of-life and what preparation I still need to attend to. Or perhaps it was just my body’s response to the IV contrast. I went home to drink lots of water, as instructed, and get some much needed sleep.

Thankfully, the final report was good. The findings, although abnormal, are not uncommon and definitely not life-threatening. My boys and I are relieved to say the least. And although I am not always comfortable in my own skin, I am most grateful to be alive and well (all things considered). Once again, I am grateful for this practice, for the ability to modify it to allow for all that life puts in front us: modifying the practice and thereby modifying the perceptions we have of our lives. It’s such a gift.

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