The Process of Change

There has been a shift in the energies flowing through my body, mind and space.  I cannot put it into words, nor do I really want to.  All I can do is acknowledge my awareness of it.  It is change. Initially, it feels good but, after some time, it doesn’t feel so good anymore.

My teacher refers to the changes we make via our yoga practice as the process of breaking patterns. These patterns, or habits, develop over time and are often our way of adapting to past hurts. In a sense, this is often a way we bury the pain and move on. What is once thought of as healing may in actuality be the process of hardening — much like forming scar tissue. It is not complete healing but serves us for the time…until we are more capable of fully letting it go. And like when one has graston or rolfing done to break up adhesions, there is an integration/adjustment period that follows.

Similarly, the practice of breaking patterns is often a painful process to which there is a period of assimilation.

Indeed, last week I emerged from kapotasana overwhelmed with sadness.  I have not experienced such intense emotions in this pose for upwards of 6 months. I came out of the pose, fell forward, and immediately began sobbing. While in the pose, I experienced the same restrictive throat tightening I’d experienced in the year following my husband’s death. Although it has been nearly 10 years since his passing, the loss is always quite palpable during this time of year.

While gathering my tax documents, I stumbled upon a letter I wrote (but never mailed) to the oncologist who met with us after the confirmation of stage IV lung cancer resurfaced.  Five years ago, when I wrote the letter, I wasn’t at all neutral and questioned whether my words were right and just.  I still am not sure.

Although the message in this letter was written with good intention, I feel that for the most part, oncologists aren’t purposely giving false hope when providing families with their prognoses.  There is no rhyme or reason to why we were given a prognosis that was a complete 180 degrees opposite to the documentation in the medical record. Quite possibly the right action (rather than sending the letter) is to destroy it and just let it go already.

I am not asking for your feedback in this matter. In fact I am purposely turning off comments so that you cannot weigh in on this one — for this is for me alone to work through.  As I said, the process of change (aka breaking patterns) is a painful one.

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